I’ve had quite a bit of struggle with regards to Christianity, church, and Christian culture. I’ve been an atheist, an agnostic, a Christian, and now I don’t know what I am anymore. In this post, I’d like to document my rise and fall with Christianity.
Humble Beginnings, Atheism, and Agnosticism
My first introduction to Christianity was being told to sit still and be quiet in a boring church sermon. This brings up an interesting point: why do people bring their children to church? This is just stupid for many reasons…
- Children cannot even begin to fathom the presence of a deity. It makes more sense to simply use the wisdom of the bible to teach them about life, but to force them to sit in a church, pray, and feel the power of God is just not feasible.
- Children do not have the attention span for this. Children are little balls of energy, and when you tell them to sit still and be quiet, it goes against their natural being.
- Children are not courteous. If they feel annoyed, frustrated, happy, upset, or angry, they will let everyone know in an audible manner. This means that not only are you now distracted from the sermon, but everyone else is.
- Religion is a choice. These children are too innocent-minded to accept any kind of religion yet. If you want your child to be a Christian, I’d think it a better idea to keep church rather secretive, and wait until they’re older before they can go. Then at least they’ll have more of a desire to go and learn about it all… even if the only incentive is that of curiosity.
So naturally, I was upset at this. I was a kid with ADHD. This was not going to go well. So my first introduction was a place where I either got yelled at (and spanked later at home), or a place where I sat quiet and reserved like a boring sheep (hey, y’all are the ones saying “The Lord is my shepherd”…).
Then I started some kind of Sunday School where all the kids go. Do you know what we would do? Arts and crafts. Yeah, I should mention I’m not exactly “aesthetically-inclined”. In fact, I always hated arts and crafts. But that’s not their fault… I mean you got a bunch of kids, so what the hell else are you gonna do?
The children I had to associate with were some of the most phony, spoiled, condescending people I’d ever met. These were the kids whose parents were the type that always said, “Don’t you dare embarrass me! Don’t you ever make me look bad!”
Yes, I got picked on quite a bit in Sunday School. You know, you’d think with them all being Christians that they’d show all that “love” for thy weird neighbor that Jesus kept preaching about (even while bleeding to death). But no. Instead, they sought to alienate you if anything about you didn’t fit some certain standard social model; they sought to exploit you.
Between the adults’ and the kids’ attitudes, I began to hate church, and this hatred grew into a general hatred for Christianity completely.
In my teen years, I grew to be an atheist. It was the rebellious thing to do, and anything that allowed me to attack people who followed this Christian ideal was fine by me.
However, after I’d had some time to mature, I realized that calling yourself an “atheist” meant also having to live up to its expectations as well… the expectation of being argumentative. You had to be ready to prove God didn’t exist, and bash Christians every chance you got. This is a life wrought with conflict, so I didn’t want it. I didn’t want it because
- I don’t like living in conflict.
- I didn’t have the energy to start a fight with every Christian I ran into.
So I reasoned that agnosticism was much easier. And it is… “I don’t know, don’t care, can we talk about something else?” It’s perfect. Now you don’t have to argue with anyone, and you don’t have to listen to their Christian ramblings. Win/Win.
This worked for a while, but something happened in my life that made me realize the presence of a deity whether I wanted to believe it existed or not.
I’m Here. And I’m Real.
I don’t expect anyone else to be convinced by my story. The point is that it was enough for me to believe it.
I had just graduated from college with an Associate’s Degree. I had expected to finally have a better job. No longer would I be delivering pizzas or dropping fries in hot grease. No longer would I be standing in one spot all day repeating the same tired old lines over and over again as I scanned products and took people’s money.
You wanna know what my first job straight out of college was? Grocery bagger and cart collector. Sometimes I even had to run the cash register when they were busy.
You can imagine just how thrilled I was at this.
All that time spent, and it was completely wasted. I had one opportunity that came to me for a decent job, but it fell through with the company basically saying I was too green. Of course I’m green: I’ve never done it before! What is it with companies that they don’t consider the fact that perhaps people are capable of learning what they don’t know?
I was in shock for a while… I couldn’t believe I was back doing this shitty work again. Absolutely mortified.
It was at this time that I had to learn to humble myself, and always look at the positive side. I was always a bitter and negative person (still kind of am). I made the decision to change my behavior. I reasoned that I was going to just get my money together from doing this job while I kept looking, and I was going to put myself back through college again, this time earning a Bachelor’s Degree. I had hoped that I’d be more marketable then.
Within a week of changing my behavior, I got a call for an interview. Funny… how coincidental. I change myself to be a better person, and an opportunity falls into my lap. I aced the interview, and went home. I thought about what had happened. Remember, I was agnostic. I didn’t know what was out there… but I knew right then that something was. Something was watching over me. Something had all the love and guidance I’d missed throughout my childhood from never having a father.
It was there. It was real. And it nearly broke me.
All that hatred towards the idea of there being a deity, and here it was telling me that it was ok, it didn’t hold that against me, and to go and flourish.
I later ended up getting the job, which further reaffirmed this theory.
And so, I became a “born again” Christian. I was all over the idea… but I still wouldn’t go back to church. The way I saw it, this religious experience and ideal was mine, not theirs.
It was personal.
Making Peace With Church
I’d had this argument with someone about people and church. I unleashed my anger at the experiences I’d had, and they told me that they’ve never seen what I was talking about. I shouldn’t expect every church to be the same just because of the shitty Baptist ones I’d been to.
I felt this point was valid, so I decided to give church a shot. I found a local non-denominational church, and attended 2 sermons. It was beautiful, but I still felt afraid. However, when the preacher got his sermon going, I began to lose interest. All I wanted to do was pour salt over everything he said and translate it into what actually made more spiritual sense to me. I kept fighting with every word.
Still, it did prove that my experiences from the past were not able to be blanketed over every church in existence, and I was fine with it.
I haven’t been back, because now that I’ve made peace with it, I realized I’m happier learning this stuff on my own.
The problem with learning more about something is that sometimes, you learn too much, and you really begin to start questioning things…
Something’s Not Right Here…
There is one family member who is close to me. She’s religious, but let’s back up a minute. This is a person who has never been religious in her life. She didn’t start going on this religious kick until after her husband died, and she began dating this eccentric asshole. He was quite the bible-thumper, but to me he was the worst kind. He was just like those people I met as a child. And what’s sad is his ideas somehow poisoned her mind.
Even after they broke up, she continued this paradigm. It was through her that I realized I could never associate with Christianity again.
She found ways to hate people while she hid behind her book to do it. She found ways to judge people, and become closed-minded. This is a person who’s always been intelligent and capable of making their own mind up, and now everything’s about “what’s in her heart” and “the bible says.” Where the hell did all this come from? The asshole you were dating is gone… you can drop this bullshit act already.
And yes, I said hate and judge while behind the bible. It’s the same tactic used by Westboro Baptist Church. Rather than say that you hate something, or state what you think about a certain group of people or persons, you instead say God thinks this way. That’s right… this man who tried to bring people together, show love, open-mindedness, respect towards everyone, and compassion is now a hate shield. Just use Jesus’s name to preach your negativity and horrible judgments. That’ll keep your conscience clear, won’t it? It’s still hate and judgment when you boil it down, but because it’s God doing it and not you, that makes it ok… right?
This broke down on many different topics… One time she met a Hindu who prayed to different idols, and she was frightened by this man. He’s a harmless man who’d do anything for you. He’s a good person. But you’re frightened, because his belief is different. Because he doesn’t believe what you believe, suddenly you feel threatened.
Need I remind you that Christianity is not a new idea. People have believed in many things since before Judaism and Christianity. Are you suggesting that they’re wrong too? That they all perished? And even if they didn’t, who the hell is this new God that He thinks He can force everyone to change their minds and believe in Him instead? Can you imagine what that must feel like? Try and imagine some new religion suddenly being forced on you… These new people think they’re right, and you’re going to some bad place for not believing…
Everything about this is wrong.
I can preach this on both sides of the coin. Let’s say Jesus is the one true God, but you don’t believe in Him. Instead, you believe something else, and pray to a different God. You do this because you don’t know any better. All that prayer and positive energy makes you a philanthropist. You’re a compassionate person who loves and accepts those around you, and you’d do anything for your neighbors.
Christians will say “yeah, but they’re still going to hell.” You elitist assholes. This person is following every rule set by you, except for some arbitrary one that basically means “you will swear allegiance to us, and only us.” That worked way back when the bible was written, as times were much harsher… But this doesn’t exactly apply anymore. Is it too wrong to find more than one way to make people compassionate and accepting of one another?
If my belief is that of Jesus being the one true God, I’d reason that their prayers towards whatever God they think they believe in are all still going to Jesus regardless. Perhaps that person cannot fathom Jesus, so He communicates to the man in a way that man can understand. Does God not appear in many forms? He’s so far appeared as clouds and a burning bush… I don’t think it’s too far-fetched to assume he might appear as an entirely different God altogether.
If my belief is that there is no God, then I offer this: who is this man hurting or inconveniencing? If he’s being a good person, then what does it matter what God he prays to?
Our next point was homosexuality. “It’s unnatural, and they’re all going to hell.” Unnatural? In what sense exactly? It’s sex. Is it unnatural in that it directly impedes human reproduction? Well, what about heterosexual couples that don’t choose to have children? Wouldn’t that be just as equally “unnatural”?
Is it unnatural because it’s not as common as heterosexual couples? Well, technically that has nothing to do with whether something is “natural” or not. In fact, depending on where you live, homosexuality may be more prominent than heterosexuality. Check out the middle east, for instance…
It’s ok to admit that the idea of being homosexual bothers you. Hell, it bothers me. I cannot wrap my mind around being homosexual, and the idea of trying to be sickens me. Besides, I can’t give up boobs.
“Well, we’re all challenged in some ways. Some of us are pedophiles, some are cripples, some are psychopathic murderers, and others are homosexuals. You don’t just get to ‘go with it’ and follow through on your urges.”
Homosexuality is not an affliction. Show me proof to say it’s an affliction. Also, homosexuality, by itself, is not harmful to anyone. Pedophilia is damaging to children, being crippled doesn’t even fit in the same category because when you’re crippled you have no choice but to “go with it”, and psychopathic murderers are counterproductive to our surviving as a people. Homosexuality is 2 people who want to have sex with each other. Totally irrelevant; totally harmless.
I get where some of the hostility towards homosexuals comes from though. It’s rather hard to show support for them when the gay communities seem to be very promiscuous and lavish. I’m not sure what the hell the deal is, but my theory is when someone comes out of the closet, they gain a certain level of social freedom. They’re not held to standards anymore, and the moment you try to hold them to standards, you’re being “intolerant”. It’s very easy, then, to see how far you can push the barrier. Before you know it, you’re jacked up on speed, having sex with 50 people in one evening, and your health is deteriorating. Does any of that have anything to do with being gay? No, but it has everything to do with you being a whore with no self control.
I’m not saying every homosexual engages in this activity, but it is quite widespread… So widespread that it’s embarrassing. I’d hope that at least some of the gay communities reading this take a proactive approach at rebranding themselves. When I think of a gay man, I shouldn’t immediately picture a guy with short shorts, half shirt, a whistle, nasally voice, and having a lisp. When I think of a gay woman, I shouldn’t think of a girl with a nearly shaved head, tattoos, fingerless leather gloves, and a snake-bite lip piercing.
But… getting back on topic….
The thing that finally sent me over the edge was when I questioned God’s actions. There are so many denominations of Christianity that you have no idea where to even begin. Not only that, but I also consider that maybe Christians are wrong. I didn’t want to think that they were, but I wasn’t ruling out the possibility. The whole idea of the bible just pissed me off. Make up your own mind instead of blindly following what someone put down in a book millenniums ago. I asked “If God can make it rain for 40 days and nights… If God can speak through a burning bush and give a man the power to part the ocean… If God can create natural disasters like tornadoes and earthquakes (preposterous… tornadoes are caused by moisture and temperature changes, and earthquakes are caused by plate tectonics… everyone who went to high school knows this), then why can’t God pick up a pen and put his rules and ideas down in plain writing? I’m not asking for a miracle here… Just some time with a pen and paper. An almighty being, I’m sure, is capable of this.”
I was told that this was blasphemous. It is not up to a mortal to try and understand the workings of a deity. Blasphemous? No, it’s not blasphemy. It’s called return on investment. I can criticize my government, my leader, and my peers… but not my deity? That’s bullshit. If any of the people here aren’t doing their job, then I can point it out and ask why the hell not. But a deity? Oh no, “blasphemy”. I’d argue that as a deity, He should have more power than a human being, and be able to accomplish more than a human being. I should be able to hold a deity to a higher standard. And if we’re all expected to believe that this deity can make mountains, earthquakes, destruction, life, and miracles, then you’re damn right my belief is challenged when it can’t do something as simple as picking up a pen. It’s not blasphemous… it’s holding this deity to the same standard (if not higher) as we hold any leader. Do your damn job, or I’ll take my beliefs elsewhere!
Renouncement of Christianity
After seeing so much hate and judgment come from this person, I had to cast away Christianity forever. I refuse to be in the same boat with that ideal. I want to love and accept people… I like the idea of being compassionate and open-minded (within reason). I like hearing different perspectives from people who think differently, because even then you can learn something you never knew before. I renounced Christianity, and I’m glad I did. I won’t be associated with those kinds of people ever again.
To be truthful, when I discovered the presence of a higher power, I had no true sense of who it was… I did not gather any sense of this being’s identity. It did not identify itself as “God”, nor “Jesus”, nor anything. It was just “there.” In that knowledge, I’ll continue praying to whatever this being is, and continue what I believe is right. No longer will I be bound by ideas that are thousands of years out of date, and more importantly ideas that aren’t mine.