I remember a couple years back I stumbled upon an epiphany about people. See, I was the kid in high school who had been cast out of everything I’d ever tried to be part of. When people weren’t completely overlooking me and making me feel marginalized, others were reminding me of my wonderful derogatory nickname: faggot. Ah, high school. What a trip. It’s been fun. Let’s totally not do this again sometime.
I always wondered what the hell was so different about me. And for those of you reading this and trying to make the “faggot” connection, you’re way off. Seems kinda sad that I actually have to explain that I’m not a homosexual to people, but I can’t help that people are more judgmental than I am.
I always wondered what it was that made people take great pleasure in tormenting me, or why it was that so many times people felt uncomfortable when talking to me. Then one night it hit me: because I’m not a phony.
Yeah, it seems that if you want to be liked in social situations, you have to sacrifice who you are. Just move with the flow of the river of everyone around you rather than comfortably flowing with who you are. Either way, you’ll be conflicted. Life sucks, then you die.
Ok, ok, let’s actually analyze this first before coming to some cliche conclusion. I thought about these people who do everything in their power to be liked. All the clothes and styles they wear to be popular. All the music they listen to. The shows they watch. The luxuries they own. The topics they talk about.
See, I’m mostly bored with that stuff because it’s everywhere. I’m not some kind of hipster that only talks about stuff no one’s ever heard before… Rather, I just like to look for what everyone doesn’t see. It’s like a puzzle. This is why I’m such a music geek, holding on to lots of different bands and artists.
But I began to think of why they’d go to all that trouble… Why? Because they’re hoping people notice it. It gives them a feeling of belonging. And you can get people to like you when you point out all the work they put into being accepted. Comment on their shoes, jewelry, brands, shows… comment on it and act like it’s awesome. They’ll like you because it’ll make their efforts in being liked not seem like a total waste of effort.
“Oh, they noticed my name brand backpack.” “Oh, they noticed my love of that really popular band!” “Hooray! I’m popular! People like me!” Yeah, nevermind the fact that you live and die by the decisions of whatever group you’ve assimilated yourself into… Nevermind the fact that you’ve sacrificed who you are. You “belong” somewhere.
I used to hate myself, and ask “why can’t I fit in?” with every group I tried to be part of. Life got a lot easier after I began asking myself “Nevermind whether or not I fit in with them, how about: Do they fit in with me?” Well now that brought about quite a few interesting observations. “I think when that group goes on and on about [insert stupid thing] it annoys me.” “I think other people judge me like this when I associate with them.” I soon realized that any group I’d been cast out of actually never fit my personality to begin with… I would have never gotten anything out of it… but I was too blinded with an obligatory sense of community need.
I completely forgot that any community is give and take. I was under the delusion that I needed to belong to something. Then I began to realize that belonging to anything involved sacrifice. Why? If I enjoy something, or don’t like something, why should I have to be victim to everyone else’s lack of support?
People who have “lots of friends”, I discovered, don’t actually have “friends”. They just have people they associate with. Those aren’t friends… friends are almost like a surrogate family. You fight, you rejoice, you have fun, you have arguments… In all cases, you have their back, and they have yours. These people listen to you, and push you to be your best.
The crowds and crowds of “friends” you popular people think you have are actually a large crowd of judges to please. You live and die by social acceptance, and you’re not free to make your own choices. Welcome to your prison. Oh sure, sometimes you like your prison, because it makes you feel safe behind those walls. Sometimes you all actually have fun together. That’s when everyone’s following the local rules. I’d argue you’re not having fun so much as you’re just glad nothing’s going wrong.
So yes, I’m an independent person, a person who can’t fit in anywhere. And you know what? I don’t think anywhere else can fit in with me. The world I create for myself is far more interesting and fun than any pre-created one that society makes. When I take part in something I like, I do it because I enjoy it. I do it because I honestly want to do it. I could care less about what other people think about it, because it’s not hurting or inconveniencing anyone, and it’s honest.
Speaking of honesty…
People don’t like honesty, and perhaps that’s what invited so many people to harass me. I’ve always been an honest person… probably too honest for my own good. True objective honesty can get you in trouble…
Here’s an example… “Do you think I’m ugly?” No, of course not. Far from ugly. “Oh, then you think I’m pretty?” Well, actually, you’re more like a 6… “You’re so mean!” Well, technically, being “pretty” or “ugly” is a relative thing depending on who you ask, so trying to reach a certain level of “pretty” instead of “ugly” is a fruitless task since everyone’s going to think differently. Then again, I could ask why you care so much about your appearance anyway, because you’ll never please everybody, and being physically attractive is only immediately satisfying before they’re put off by your self-centered personality…
…I could go on, but you get the idea. Yeah, that conversation didn’t end well. (That conversation also never actually happened, because I’m not that daft.)
This is the social rule you must follow: tell people what they want to hear, and tell them none of your own weaknesses. This rule goes against my grain, because if I’m weak somewhere, I want to be open and honest about it so I can actually do something about it, or maybe even fix it. Ohhh how silly I must be. Just sweep it under the carpet and don’t talk about it. Keep it bottled up until you’re ready to break, and then ingest chemicals to numb yourself to it like everybody else.
Yes, never tell people the truth… just keep them placated and happy. Let people believe everything is great and wonderful. You see this on facebook and social media sites all the time… People who post about all the wonderful things going on in their lives. Guess what? Shitty things are happening in their lives too, but they won’t tell you about it. Why? It shows weakness. It shows an area to exploit.
I began to feel a wave of relief at this epiphany. I was no longer bound by the shackles of my community’s judgment. In fact, the way I saw it, I was always harsher when judging myself than anyone else ever was. If I was engaging in an act or enjoying something that passed my own inner judge (who is, by the way, nearly impossible to please), then no one else’s judgment mattered. Kinda like beating the hardest mode on a video game. Everyone else’s judgment of me was inferior to my own judgment of myself. If it’s inferior, then it’s irrelevant. Bottom line: I’m having fun.
I wasn’t put here on this planet to please everybody. In fact, I wasn’t put here to please even one person. It’s not my goal in life to be accepted. Now if only I could avoid looking down on people who live their life that way.
I realized there were actually 2 kinds of people, which is why I got along with only about half the people I interacted with. There were people who weren’t actually phony, but were faking it just for that feeling of acceptance. These were the people I got along with, because they felt relieved around me. They finally had a place to speak their mind and be themselves. The other kind of person is the kind that truly is no one inside. They are whatever people want them to be, because they have no identity whatsoever. These people are almost always accepted because they can’t possibly go against anyone’s grain in any way.
They’re mindless robots, programmable by anyone in control.
So in the end, it’s up to you… whether you want your lonely freedom, or whether you want your comfortable prison. I chose freedom, and I’ve never been happier. I enjoy djent and alternative metal, anime, roller coasters, psychology, writing, video games (especially adventure/puzzle games), drinking, playing with technology, recording harsh vocals for heavy metal songs I’ve written myself, and being loud and silly. My favorite band is Korn, my favorite sitcom is Roseanne, my favorite video game is Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, and my favorite comedian is Bill Cosby. I enjoy Jim Carrey movies and imitating that creepy pervert from Family Guy. With each new distinction I’ve given, I further and further alienate myself from belonging to any particular group.
I got an idea for a new group: the “Everyone is Interesting” group. In this community, each person is given a day to be the center of attention, and everyone gives them the freedom to be themselves. Truly being themselves. As long as they don’t hurt or inconvenience anyone, the group rule is to show them support, and be open-minded.
I wanna be part of that group. Where do I sign up?