I’ve been through quite a few bouts of depression (hell, I’m going through one right now as I write this). It just comes about suddenly, and I begin feeling in a way that seems out of character.
Now I don’t mean depression as in “oh, I’m so sad… I need attention.” That’s not depression; that’s pretention.
No, I mean true depression. This is how I can best describe it. Have you ever been so tired you just don’t feel like doing anything? Your house could be burning, and you wouldn’t lift a finger. In fact, your mindset is “fine, let it burn; one less thing to deal with.”
Well, imagine being wide awake and feeling that – all the time.
Symptoms
You can’t get motivated to do anything. You generally wind up just mindlessly flipping channels, because no book will captivate your interest, no video game will leave you feeling satisfied, no food, no drug, nothing. You’re just stuck.
Now, I’m the sort of antisocial person, so I don’t have a lot of friends. But, for those social butterflies, I’d imagine it’s 10 times worse for you. Social butterflies tend to do or say whatever they can in order to keep people around. Nobody wants to hear about your depression problems, so you keep them to yourself. You get your energy high from all the interactions with everyone else around you. So, you’re stuck with this horrible problem that you can’t talk about because you have to keep up appearances. It’s no surprise that these people wind up offing themselves.
I, on the other hand, don’t live like a social butterfly, and I’m wide open and honest about everything. I don’t bother to keep up apperances, because my philosophy is you either like me the way I am, or you don’t. I’m not going to jump through hoops to make you like me. If I did, then your appreciation of my company wouldn’t be natural. So, with that hurdle out of the way and the small crowd of friends I have, I don’t have to hide my depression. I’m more free to study it and take note of the different symptoms.
I find myself, like described before, unmotivated to do anything. Nothing will satiate me. And on top of that, even important things seem to get thrown to the wayside. Oh, that bill is due? … fuck it… I don’t feel like going into my account website to pay it. So what if they’ll turn off my electricity? Fuck it, let ‘em. I don’t care anymore.
You’re stuck in this rut. With me being honest with myself, I know that this is not me. This is not the way I normally feel. This is not the way I normally act. I know that something is wrong, and that I shouldn’t give in to these feelings. For many, they probably don’t notice this.
Suicide
What about all the suicides depressed people have? It’s a common thing to see suicide. Where does it come from? Well, I can tell you from experience it’s not some emo “ohhh, I’m so depressed, I hate the world! I’m leaving now! Goodbye cruel world of torment!”
No, suicide is a well-thought decision that brews in your mind for a long time. Since your depression won’t go away, your lack of satiation starts to wear on you. You feel numb, and dead inside. And after a while, you feel imprisoned by it. Nothing exciting. Just trapped in this constant state of mind that won’t lift.
After a while, the concept of death comes up, and your uncaring attitude starts to apply to death as well. Given more time, you begin to hate what you’re going through, and you’re looking for anything to escape. Some people turn to self mutilation or asphyxiation (I’ve never done either; I’ve never allowed it to get that serious).
But when that stops giving the rush, you’re back to numbness. You feel like there’s no other escape… It’s either die, or continue living in misery, because it doesn’t seem like this feeling will ever go away.
Your Friends and Family Are Idiots
Now, the whole point of my writing this article is to explain how other people react to it. You know how you hear about how “oh, talk to a friend or family member about it!” These people are idiots. Your friends and family are probably the worst people to talk to, and here’s why: they don’t give a shit. Not that they don’t care that you’re not feeling well, but the problem is they won’t approach you correctly. They talk to you assuming you have the patterns of behavior you’ve always had, and are usually more interested in themselves than they are your problems. You seem normal to them, and since much of this is in your head, they can’t really see it to fix it. Compare it to breaking your arm or your leg and see how they react differently.
They continue treating you the way they always do based on past knowledge of you, rather than treating this like a completely isolated case. The proper approach is this: you have to act like you don’t know the person and really dig at their mind and what’s going on in their head.
Not only that, but they never actually offer any real solutions to the problem. Unless you have a friend or family member who’s as obsessed with human behavior and psychology like I am, they are not going to help you. They’re going to contrivedly parrot the trite, cliche, bullshit colloquialisms we’ve heard a thousand times. They cannot possibly help you because they cannot empathize with you. Most of the time their advice is something like “oh, well, then don’t feel that way.” Yeah, like it’s a fucking switch I can just turn off, right dipshit? Gee, why didn’t I think of that?! I must be stupid!
You see why social butterflies have so much more trouble? They’ve got tons of friends, and not one of ‘em is insightful enough to offer any real help, not that they’d even ask for it.
Seek Real Help
The absolute best thing is to speak with a counselor, therapist, or a psychologist. Problem is, that costs money. Still, those are the people to talk to. They’re an unbiased third party who don’t know you, and will actually dig at your mind and try to fix the problem. And no, there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of for seeking counseling. It makes actual logical sense.
You have a problem, and you’re seeing someone to get it fixed. You’d take your car to a mechanic, so why wouldn’t you take your brain to a doctor? In fact, you should go just for the hell of it, just to keep your brain healthy (no different than getting regular oil changes and tuneups for your car).
Anyone who thinks it’s weak to go seek help is a moron, and a hypocrite. Next time they need to take their car to the shop, say “hah, you’re seeking help for repairs on your car!? My how helpless and weird you are!” Same logic, isn’t it? Or, don’t seek help, and let the problem manifest deeper and deeper until it causes a real issue. Sound logic there, dumbass.
I’m broke, so I do something else instead of seeking help. I’m not stating that this will work for everyone, rather I’m stating it works for me (and unfortunately that’s the only person I really care about right now). I ask my friends and family to tell me something funny or positive about stuff going on in their lives. I actively start seeking out positive things, happy stories, and happy songs. I basically immerse myself in positive things, until it begins to affect me. It’s not permanent, but it does curb depression quite well. You’ll find when you force yourself to be positive, and encase yourself in positivity, your life is generally more positive as a result.
In Closing
So, that’s pretty much all I have to say about depression. I’m sure there’s a better way to end this, but I can’t think of one. I just wanted to write down an official account of what depression feels like, as well as my frustrations involved in trying to talk to people about it. It’ll lift at some point and I’ll feel better, but for now, I’m stuck in it, and it sucks. Like catching a cold. Just wait for it to pass.